A Vampire Interview

“I want to be a bloodsucker, like other vampires, but there’s this mental block.”

An excerpt from an interview with a young vampire who wishes to remain anonymous. This piece was written by Clown House contributor Bo Zeau, who also wishes to remain anonymous.

Q: “What got you into becoming a vampire?”

Vamp: “You know I was just following my step-father’s footsteps, when my mother married him she issued a caveat that I would also be transformed into a vampire. Once you’re a vampire you can’t do anything else. I thought about being a roofer, once.”

Q: “What would you like people to know about vampires?”

Vamp: “I’m sorry, the thing about being a roofer was a joke. Like I can’t be on a roof because there's lots of sun. When I said that you didn’t acknowledge it with your facial expressions. So, I just want you to record it for the people reading -- it was a joke, I’m a vampire, not a roofer. I don’t want to be a roofer.”

Q: “What would you like people to know about vampires?”

Vamp: “People think it’s all doom and gloom. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of sunshine and rainbows. Do you think an 800-year castle sits perched up on a mountain all by itself? No, I gotta take care of it. I gotta check the foundations, I gotta check the stonework, the dungeons, the latrines. Now that I mention it, I am kind of a roofer, like I have to check the roof. It’s 8000 square feet and I gotta keep it clean, my stepfather leaves his villagers leaking all over beautiful marble floors and expects me to clean it. Where does a vampire even go to get bleach?”

Q: “Anything else?”

Vamp: “Yeah, vampire puberty is pretty rough, Premature Fangulation and things of that sort. Turning into a bat and not being able to get back. I was a late bloomer so the first couple of times I sucked blood I didn’t enjoy it, I was really insecure, I wasn’t sure I was doing it right and didn’t think my victim was not enjoying it. The worst part was my mother and stepfather were watching. A real mood killer.”